it's beyond me, I cannot carry the weight of this heavy world;
Sunday, 6 February 2011 // 22:34
You left me hanging from a thread we once swung from together
I lick my wounds but I can't ever see them getting better
-Maroon 5, Goodnight Goodnight
Ugh, I'm currently wearing this candy pink/baby blue dress that's way too sweet for me.
Anywayyyy. Uhh. Happy Chinese New Year? Gah you know I think I lost my angbao from my parents. Okay not exactly lost, it's somewhere in my house but I have no idea where the hell it is fuck.
Soo. Chinese New Year has been, really fattening. That's honestly the first thought that comes mind. Plus there's no training for this whole week because Tuesday was the B Div.'s match and yesterday and tomorrow, yeahh. And I keep eating and eating and eating and eating omg.
Uhh, CNY eve, there was school? I did like, two characters of my 春联 and then just let Daphne scribble Korean characters on it. Then the concert. The Chinese dancers had really, really creepy expressions. Yeah, that's pretty much all I have to say.
Then after that I went back to NYPS, where Lynn and I basically stood around awkwardly for about an hour before getting fed-up and leaving. 'Cause damn little people went back. It was mostly random RI guys. There were like, an average of 2 people each from NYGH/RGS/HCi. Wth man.
Then I went home, slept until reunion dinner. Idk why I'm still so exhausted okay. I think this has been going on for like, three weeks. I cannot do, anything at all. My family had steamboat for reunion dinner? But our steamboat thingy had like, a grill around it so you could grill/bbq/idk stuff so it was awesome.
Kay, all that was written two days ago. I think I fell asleep, or something. Gahh. And idk why I'm posting now instead of doing my homework that I didn't touch at all this whole holiday.
Anyway, okay I'm thinking you really don't care about who I visited and where I went blah blah so I shan't post about it. But yeahh, you know my mum made me wore skirts on the first/third days. And then yeah, as you already know I wore the dress on the second day gah. I mean, it looks really nice but it looks freaking weird on me ugh. I could only wear shorts today because I stayed at home the whole day because my paternal relatives were over and my cousins' children wrecked my whole house and were screaming the whole time D:
And gah I'm so sick of yusheng and steamboat now.
Ahhh I love Never Gonna Leave This Bed. Just saying. Sorry. Btw, where was I.
Ahhhhh I think this is some kind of emotional overwhelming moment for me. I freaking love Keith sfm. Idkkkk, I was just IMDb-ing something then I suddenly thought of it then I just went to read the plot and the quotes again and just, omg<3 Hahah the quotes are epic.
Natalie: In case you haven't heard, picnics, they ususally take place outdoors.
Keith: Oh, is that what it says in the officaial picnic rulebook?
Okay that's like, one of the funny ones. Not the emo heartbreaking ones, but yeah. I shall not post those in case I like, idk. I'm becoming more and more incoherent. Wheeee I'm so freaking happy we're watching it during BSE.
Which brings me to the topic of BSE. Bijou, NgXin, Gwen and I got into the first batch yayy. And you know we only get 60hours of Internet usage? Okay that's not that that little, it's like, 3hours every weekday, but still, just the thought of there actually being a limit. And for those people who actually live there long-term, it'd be kinda wtf man. I mean, idk, for me weekends the comp is on for the whole day and just, yeah, if I actually lived there permanently 60hours is not enough.
I think I'm just going to stay in school and use the class comp until like 5+ before going to the boarding school. Plus the school Internet is damn fast so downloading my shows take like 5minutes (Y) Yesh, I did that during the period of time when my laptop was dead. But I'll need to get a bigger thumbdrive though.
Okay I shouldn't rant so much about the Internet. So yeah, super excited for BSE, except for the fact that none of my roomies are supporting me with the buy-lots-of-TV-dinners-and-pizzas-and-stuff-like-that-for-when-the-BS-dinner-sucks-which-would-be-often plan. Hmphhh.
Okayy, anyway. Hmm, what else happened besides CNY. I can't remember Monday/Tuesday, and the only thing I can remember about Sunday is, really bad.
Okay like, when I'm the only one awake in my house and I'm about to go to sleep, I'll just keep freaking myself out because I have an over-imaginative mind and it's really dark and stuff and I'll just get really scared of nothing. Like, I'll think there's some shadow or some ghost or some stupid shit.
And then on Sunday for some reason I just thought of that scary movie The Exorcism of Emily Rose which I watched for like 5minutes on TV. And then I had this big freakout moment about how much I'm fucking scared of dying and how I really, really don't want to. Because I don't know if I'll like poof in nothingness, or if some religion's beliefs are true then I'm screwed because I'm not a devout-anythinng and I'm not even a good person. Like, of course I'm not a bad person compared to people who commit crime but I'm not actually good. I'm actually kind of a bitch. No don't disagree, it's just that my bitchiness isn't obvious, really.
I mean, being a non-majorcrazypsycho bitch isn't evil, but still, I'm not a good person. I'm just, sort of okay. So I'm not going to get into heaven or anything. I think those are the main two possibilities right? Some sort of heaven/hell, or just, nothingness. And I'm just fucking terrified of both. And then I just kept thinking about it for like, idkhowlong and idk if I teared or something. And then I started thinking about how I'd lose my parents and everyone if I just poof into nothingness which would lead to me thinking about my parents dying and just, gah.
Gah you know I used to have this kind of freakouts a lot when I was younger, like whenever I slept in a different place like on vacation or something, and just, any and almost every random time where I wasn't busy or anything. And then I stopped having them because I grew up and got too busy with life to think about it and stuff. And I thought I stopped having them already. Like, I just never thought about it. I don't know why I suddenly had that freakout again. Even posting about it is scaring the shit out of me god why am I posting about it now I'm going to freakout again. And then I'd not be able to sleep again. Gahh I shall force myself to sleep before everyone else today, like at 11 or something.
I know everyone's fucking scared of dying, but still. I don't want to keep randomly freaking out about it.
Gosh. Oh shit I'm freaking out again. Okay. I shall not suffer from a panic attack-like thing. Okay. I shall calm down. And go do Math. Yes I shall. Math is straightforward, and clean-cut, and systematic. Yes, I shall go do Math!
Omg I'm so sorry I just realized that I just put all those horrible thoughts in your mind sorryyyyyy. Think positively. Yes. Like about BSE! Ohmyfuck BSE is like, a different sleeping place, -points up to the previous, previous, previous paragraph- am I gonna keep freaking out for the whole month during BSE fuck. Shit.
And screw my whole I-heart-Keith moment just now is becoming very very bad. Because honestly, the whole movie's kinda about dying. It's just not obvious.
OKAY POSITIVE THOUGHTS. LIKE HOW HOT AND CUTE AND ADORKABLE CORY MONTEITH IS, YEAH. Fuck, Cory Monteith somehow reminds me of Matt Bomer (they're both under #favouriteactors in my head?) who was in the prequel to Texas Chainsaw Massacre and his face and arm was skinned and he died such a horrible death fuck I need to stop talking like now.