it's woven in my soul, i need to let you go
Monday, 31 December 2012 // 02:50
When the days are cold, and the cards all fold-Imagine Dragons, Demons
And the saints we see are all made of gold
Wow okay blogging feels so foreign now after like, two years or so. It's been so long since I actually wrote because I wanted to and not because I had to. Well, actual coherent writing with full sentences at least.
Yeah probably why I got B3 for LA ugh still can't get over that I probably sound as mature now as I did in P6 okay I need help. But anyway.
Reading my old blog posts yesterday made me cringe so bad hahah. All that terrible grammar/spelling and drama and angst omg the amount of angst was overwhelming.
But it also made me think. Even if it was overdramatized whiny tween angst and a lot of uncalled for rage, at least I was feeling something. The only times I've felt strongly for something during the past three years are during fangirling. That kinda sums up my secondary school life in one line.
I don't really know what happened but somewhere along the way Nanyang just ruined any passion I had for like, anything. I may not fucking hate my school or anything, but I'm just so painfully numb to everything that I honestly can't tell which is better.
I literally have zero drive to accomplish anything. I have no goals, nothing to chase after, nothing to look forward to. Everyday it's just get up, contemplate making some sort of social interaction, try not to piss my parents off, go back to sleep when I get so exhausted from doing nothing.
I don't really see the point anymore. But the sad part is, I can't even bring myself to care. I can't even give a damn about the fact I'm becoming so freaking mediocre.
I'm really not being dramatic. I'm a pretty average student I'm not going to say I'm terrible because I know I'm not, but there's no subject I even slightly excel in, or prefer over the others. Well, except Chinese which is below everything else but that's kinda a given.
I'm pretty sure I'm one of the worse softball players in my batch. I'm not putting myself down I'm just being brutally honest this entire post seriously. I go for every single training but everytime my train of thought just goes Okay I hope coach doesn't challenge me today so I won't embarrass myself in front of juniors. I know I'm never going to improve at this rate and I'm not going to make it on the team, but what's new.
I don't have any leadership positions or anything? Yeah that's a pity maybe if others had more expectations of me I would've stepped up to the plate and actually did something.
I don't have any talents whatsoever. Musical gifts or art talent or whatever, something as simple as being creative. I literally have no mind of my own I remember we attended this clay workshop thingum in China where we were free to make whatever we wanted. I had absolutely no idea what I wanted to do; I just sat there staring blankly at the slab. If you had told me to make a cat or ball or something I probably would've done it pretty shabbily but at least I would've known what to do. I just can't create anything.
Wow isn't that eye-opening. (note to self: stop using literally yes everyone gets it everything in this post is very technical)
Yeah so that's pretty much how I've been feeling about myself these past few years. It feels sorta fucking lousy and everyday I wish that I could be her or her or just basically anyone else; anyone who actually knew how to describe themselves with something other than "average".
But I just can't bring myself to do anything about it. I can't even bring myself to plan or attempt to do anything that makes me a little less boring. So I just blame the circumstances and the lack of opportunities and everyone else around me for being better because I can't face the fact that it's my fault. I just can't see past this overwhelming sense of nothingness and to be honest it's annoying as fuck.
Yeah okay so new year resolution for 2013:
The world didn't end, I'm still here so I seriously should start making something of my life. So, just go out there and do something. Really, anything would be more than what I've been doing so.
Yep much easier said that done I'm probably going to be back here in a year whining about the same thing wow this is pathetic oh well fuck it.
(shit I curse a lot when I type I'm pretty sure I haven't said fuck for a few months irl?? sigh)
Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm.© Ralph Emerson
Yeah kinda explains how I can't achieve anything.
Reread this post and I'm pretty much repeating the same point over and over again oh well this is why I'm no good at LA. And ugh I intended for this to be a one-line post like "I LOVE YOU GUYS HAPPY NEW YEAR!" oh well next post I guess.